[Langly Narrating] I think that everybody has...
one single best memory of childhood.
One perfect image that sums up...
everything that's wonderful about being a kid.
I know I do.
Mine dates back to probably when I was around 10 years old.
Oh! [Grunts]
[Continues Narrating] And it sure as hell has nothing to do with growing up on a farm.
[Clucking]
[Cow Moos]
No. My best memory is of my family's old Zenith.
Every afternoon after school and chores...
and more chores...
I'd watch TV, all three channels of it...
and I'd escape.
There was Bozo the Clown.
And Captain Kangaroo. He was cool.
There was Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop.
And they were like good friends who were always looking out for me.
Good friends that helped me grow up strong and true...
and who would never make fun of my hair.
These old shows were comforting.
They made me feel good about the world I was growing up in.
And none made me feel better than Cap'n Toby.
Ahoy, little mateys. Welcome aboard Cap'n Toby's tugboat.
[Gruff Voice] Ahoy, mateys. Hi, Cap'n Toby.
Ahoy there, Sebastian.
[Langly Narrating] For my money, he was the best.
Cap'n Toby and his first mate, Clarence the Crab.
Maybe it's because I grew up in landlocked Nebraska...
that I dug his show so much.
Or maybe it's just that he was so decent, so true blue...
that I'd give anything to ship off with him.
- [Cap'n Toby] This is an anchor, kiddies. - He made my childhood bearable.
He was someone I could trust growing up, someone I could count on.
Yeah, it's a heavy thing, you know?
Mr. Tobalowski, will you give us a statement?
- Excuse me! - Please, sir. Can I have a statement?
What do you say to these charges?
Would you like to defend yourself, sir? Anything to say?
- Cap'n Toby! - Any statement at all, Mr. Tobalowski? Sir?
[Woman] Excuse me, sir. Could you look this way?
[Reporters Chattering]
[Langly Narrating] Growing up.
Man, it's a bitch.
Hey.
Hey. A little help here, guy, huh?
[Grunts]
Pancakes are getting cold.
Man, every morning. Glad I'm not married to you three.
I'm sorry if you feel neglected, Jimmy, but it's part of the job.
Part of the job?
What? Reading a bunch of papers?
Reading between the lines. Picking up on the stories...
the so-called "legitimate press" let slip through the cracks.
Shaking out the pizza coupons...
and then panning for a little nugget of truth amongst the dross.
It's a metaphor.
Yeah, gotcha. Pizza coupons.
These guys have to report the stories they've been handed.
Plus they all work for the man...
so their coverage only goes so deep.
[Byers] Sometimes the truth lies beneath.
That's why we try and read between the lines.
Count me in. So what do we do?
Look for, like, clues and hidden meanings and whatnot?
Uh, not quite. That's not really what we meant.
Sure it is. Here, check out the comics. And pipe down already.
Guys, the Wizard of Id.
In the first box, the king has three jewels in his crown.
- In the next box, four. - [Heavy Sigh]
Huh? What's up with that?
Oh, baby! This is what I was talking about.
Yesterday's Glen Burnie Suburbanite, the obituary section.
"Adam Vaughn, age 35, of Glen Burnie, succumbed to a heart attack.
"He was a member of the International Brotherhood of Stage Technicians...
Local 614."
Now, yesterday's Suburna Park Monitor.
"Eric Rice, age 33, dead of a heart attack.
He was a member of the International Brotherhood of Stage Technicians, Local 614. "
- You're thinking murder? - Well...
I don't get it. I mean, yeah...
I get that they're both pretty young for heart attacks...
but what does that have to do with them being in a union together?
Organized crime possibly.
Oh, it gets better. I got a list of 911 calls from the Glen Burnie Fire Department.
Those two union guys, Vaughn and Rice...
both had their heart attacks the same day at the same mall.
Now there's reading between the lines.
[Man] So, like always...
I come down here to have a smoke, right?
As soon as I got off the elevator, I see this dude who bumped into me, right?
He's lying right over there, dead.
- And the other one was over this way... - [Clang]
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy, easy.
Stupid shoes. Anyway, the other dude was right there.
And, uh, nobody else was around?
Nobody. So I figured old Rosie must've just missed it.
- Who's Rosie? - I call her that.
This chick I see in the mall every so often. She wears these funky rose-colored sunglasses.
She was on the elevator that me and the dude were trying to catch.
- What's her real name? - I don't know.
But she did say "hi"to me one time.
What can I say? I catch the ladies checking me out, you know?
- Oh, yeah. - Hey, the suit speaks for itself, boys.
Frohike, you got something?
- What'd you find? - Nothin'.
Well, anyway, guys, I gotta hit it, all right?
- Right on. Thanks. - Hey, keep on truckin', huh?
Whoa! Whoa! Aaah!
Dude, you all right?
- [Hammering] - [Chattering]
- What the hell is this? - A children's program, I assume.
At any rate, it's where our two deceased stagehands worked.
- It looks like a bad theme restaurant. - Oh, pardon me.
- Oh, my God. Cap'n Toby. - [Coughs]
That was Cap'n Toby! This is... This is The Cap'n Toby Show!
I can't believe it! [Breathing Heavily]
But why don't I even recognize it?
What the hell did they do to it?
What? "The New Cap'n Toby Show"?
What does that mean?
I don't know, Langly, but can we stick to the task at hand?
- Excuse me. - Oh, man! Clarence the Crab!
Huh. Right. Sir, can you point us to someone in charge?
[Gruff Voice] Il Duce's right over there.
[Normal Voice] Sorry. John Gillnitz. He's the writer-producer.
Mr. Gillnitz, I'm John Byers. This is my associate, Richard Langly.
Hold on one second, guys. Everybody ready?
- [Man] All set. - Roll tape.
[Man] Rolling.
And action, Toby. Give it a smile.
Ahoy, little mateys. Watch The New Cap'n Toby Show...
weekday mornings at 7: 00 on this station.
Till then, put the wind at your backs...
and a song in your hearts.
- Smooth sailing. - And cut.
Uh, Toby, about the pipe. Could we try one without it?
What's wrong with the pipe?
[Sighs] Everybody take five.
Well, an argument could be made that it promotes smoking.
John, it's a bubble pipe.
An argument could be made that it promotes blowing bubbles.
Look, Cap'n Toby has a pipe. I mean, I've had a pipe for 31 years.
The pipe and the magic porthole routine...
are about the only things left from the early days.
[Gillnitz] And they're both great... time-honored.
Speaking of the magic porthole routine...
- No, please... - I just have to reiterate...
that it doesn't make logical sense for a nuclear submarine...
to have a porthole, that's all.
I say, let's go cutting edge, do something with holograms.
- I have to lie down. - It'll be great, Toby. I promise.
Edit the pipe off the end of that promo and ship it.
- What can I do for you guys? - We're print journalists.
- We have a few questions for you. - Journalists?
You plan to write about our little show? Excellent.
Well, it's a genuine success story...
sort of a zero-to-hero, "Little Engine That Could" kind of thing.
What happened to the tugboat? Cap'n Toby lives on a tugboat.
Not anymore. Now he's the captain of a nuclear-powered submarine.
It's a great set, huh?
It's one of the changes I made when I came aboard.
He lives on a tugboat.
Mr. Gillnitz, you had two stagehands...
who worked for you... Adam Vaughn and Eric Rice.
Oh. Yeah. God. Uh, terrible.
Although they didn't pass away here, I've gotta stress.
Your story doesn't focus on them, does it?
They only worked here for a couple of weeks.
Our story is about your show. Uh, your... its triumphs, its tragedies.
Anything you can tell us may be useful.
Um, maybe we could see their personnel files?
Blood. We're talking definite murder weapon.
That's gotta be some heavy duty poison.
Get away from me. I mean it.
What? I'm just looking.
This is deadly, deadly poison.
I don't want you sneezing or having a spasm or something.
No sudden moves. God only knows what could happen.
I'm not moving. I'm standing still.
Just back off two big steps! You're making me nervous.
Gee, you're making me nervous.
Stay there.
I'm just gonna have a look at this...
under higher magnification.
Okay.
[Grunts, Gasps]
- Frohike? - Jimmy, you gotta suck out the poison.
What? Can't you reach?
- Do it... now! - [Huffs]
[Slurping]
What in the hell are you doing?
Yves, Frohike's been poisoned. We gotta get him to a hospital.
I'm about to keel over.
No, you're not. I am, but you're not.
Where's that dart you called me about?
Uh...
I don't understand. It's deadly poison.
It was deadly poison.
This particular formulation has a potency of about two hours...
after which, it degrades into little more than saltwater.
It makes it appear the victim died of a heart attack.
I've only heard about this. I've never actually seen it.
It's rumored to be Red Chinese.
Why was some high-tech Chinese poison used to kill two local stagehands?
[Sighs]
[Exhales Deeply]
[Speaking Chinese]
(music) [Calliope]
Ahoy, mateys. Cap'n Toby here.
[Sighs] They've destroyed my childhood.
[TVRemote Clatters Across Floor]
- Hello. - [Grunts] Hi.
Not you. Hello, as in "Check this out."
Guess whojust happened to be working for theJustice Department...
Dead stagehand number one.
- Dead stagehand number two. - Both of them moonlighted as the feds...
or the other way around?
- Find something? - Big time.
We ran a facial recognition off the photos we snagged from their personnel files.
Turns out Vaughn and Rice were a couple of F.B.I. agents named Jacox and Labec.
- F.B.I.? - Intelligence Division, Chinese Analytical Unit.
Chinese? Just like the poison in the dart.
What in the hell are the F.B.I. doing working undercover at The Cap'n Toby Show?
Counterespionage agents killed by what Yves described as a professional.
A spy? A spy ring?
A Chinese spy ring operating out of a kids' TVshow?
It doesn't make any sense. What are they gonna report on...
the superiority of American hand puppets?
Every spy has a cover. The more mundane, the better, I suppose.
So who on that show's the spy?
Cap'n Toby? Is that what you're suggesting? You're nuts.
A fish stinks from the head.
Langly, we have to consider the possibility.
There is no possibility. He's as true-blue as apple pie!
What... What about that creep producer, Gillnitz...
the one who made him live in a submarine, huh?
What is that about?
Buddy, we are sitting on one humongous story.
So you better know whoever's the bad guy on that little U-boat...
even if it is the captain...
we are going to torpedo him right out of the water.
- Hip... - Hop.
- Hop? Hop, hop? - Hip-hop.
It's called hip-hop. It's great. You'll love it.
It's vital. It's the rhythm of the street.
Street? What street? Whose street?
John, why do we need new theme music?
And why is this the first I'm hearing of it?
I sent you a memo. And, Toby...
we need a new theme song because hip-hop is what the kids want...
not calliope music.
- Back me up. You heard it. - I thought it was crap, and I don't even have ears.
- [Sighs] - [Normal Voice] Sorry.
Look, Toby. You hired me...
so that you don't have to think about this stuff anymore.
You wanna connect with today's kids? Sit back and let me show you how.
Ah, welcome back! [Chuckles]
Perfect timing.
We brought our photographer, if that's all right.
Absolutely. We can all do this in my office. It's sort of the nerve center.
We were hoping he could wander around, get a couple candid shots.
- You know, cast and crew. - While we talked.
Oh, sure. Save some film for me.
Kidding! [Half-hearted Laughter]
I spy with my little eye.
Which one of you is the spy?
[Camera Shutter Clicking]
Oh. Uh...
- Hi. - What are you doing in here?
I wanna see Cap'n Toby.
Oh. Okay.
Well, his, uh, show's about to start.
You wouldn't wanna miss that, would you? Hmm?
- [Gasps, Screams] - Hmm?
- Oh, excuse me! Excuse me! All right. Okay. All right. - [Screaming Continues]
There are dumb plans, and then there are dumb plans.
And then there's this.
[Yves On Device] I can't believe you talked me into coming here.
What? This woman with the rose-colored glasses...
may have been involved in these murders.
Obviously it is important that we find her...
or the guys wouldn't have sent me.
Jimmy, when I say dumb, I'm referring to the fact that you're dressed as a frankfurter.
I'm undercover.
Hey, the Weiner Man sees this lady all the time from this vantage point.
And he's out with a broken arm. It's not a dumb plan.
It's a great plan.
- Pig in a blanket? It's pig-a-licious. - No, thanks.
No? All right then.
Furthermore, if this woman actually did have something to do with the two murders...
she'd be foolish to return to the crime scene.
Hello.
Hello?
No. "Hello" as in...
[Yves] Hello as in what?
- [Screaming] - Ow!
- Look... - [Screaming Continues]
Hey. How about some money? You... You want some money?
- Money's good, huh? - [Screaming Continues]
Give you money? Hey.
- [Screaming Stops] - Cap'n.
Uh, you got a little fan here.
Ohh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What a fine voice you have.
Tell me. What's your name?
- Mary. - Mary.
Well, that's a lovely name. Tell Cap'n Toby why you were screaming, Mary.
He's creepy.
Uh, uh-huh.
I wanted to see you.
Oh. I'll tell you what. Let's go find your mommy.
I understand she's looking for you.
Then we're gonna put you in a seat down front.
You can see the show and not miss a thing.
How's that sound?
Uh, Cap'n? I... I'm a photographer, by the way.
We... We're doing a story on the show.
Uh-huh.
Come on, Mary. Let's find your mom.
[Door Closes]
Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
Yves, red-tinted glasses, just like the guy said.
Where?
Koko's Copy Center. She's standing in line.
I'm on my way.
She's coming out of the copy center. She's heading to the east end of the mall.
It's possible she spotted me.
No. How?
Uh-uh, lady. You don't lose me that easy.
[Grunts, Jabbers]
Aaah!
[Loud Thump]
- [Commotion] - [Groaning]
- Are you all right? Jimmy? - Yeah.
[Groaning]
Oh, God! I'm bleeding.
It's raspberry filling.
Mmm. Did she get away?
[Yves] Apparently not.
I'm a federal agent. I want these two detained.
[Groans]
[Groaning]
Keep this on until you get to a doctor.
And see one, because I'm pretty sure you cracked a rib.
- Better if we take him with us. - Bye.
So, Mr. Weiner...
who are you and why are you following me?
Who says he was following you? Who am I talking to anyway?
Why do I have to answer your questions? Am I under arrest?
I'm Agent Blythe of the C.I.A.
And I'm not talking to you. I am talking to Mr. Weiner.
I'm an investigative journalist...
investigating two murders here.
And I have a source that places you at the scene.
Weiner number one, I assume.
What do you know about the two dead men?
They were F.B.I. agents.
Officially. But was that where their loyalties lay?
You're telling us they were double agents?
I'm certainly not telling you anything.
This is a sensitive matter concerning national security.
I am illustrating to you how little you really do know about the situation at hand.
And I'm warning you...
that you're interfering with the combined efforts of the C.I.A. and the F.B.I.
Now, I need to know everything you know.
And I need to know who else knows it.
I wouldn't stonewall here, Miss Harlow.
It's not healthy for your privacy.
Yeah. I know who you are.
Show me how badly you want to keep it a secret.
Leave her alone.
I'll tell you what you want to know.
What goes "moo"?
[Children] A cow!
A cow, that's who!
What goes "neigh"?
[Children] A horse!
[Cap'n Toby] A horse, of course!
I ask you... does it make any sense whatsoever...
to see livestock out the porthole of a nuclear submarine?
A sea horse!
There's no talking to him sometimes.
Uh-oh. I guess you see what that says.
[Children] Bye-bye.
That's right. Well, till next time, mateys...
put the wind at your backs and a song in your hearts.
- Smooth sailing. - And up comes the music.
(music) [Hip-hop]
What is that?
A little extra insurance against channel changing.
Not to toot my own horn, but in the three years I've been here...
our ratings average has grown from a.8 to a 1.1.
Plus we sold into foreign syndication last year.
It's exciting to think we've got all these new little eyes on us...
all over Europe and China.
- China? - Can you believe it?
They'll love that hip-hop. Let me tell you; it travels.
- China. Is that your idea? - Yeah. Not to toot my own horn.
[Door Opens]
Guys, can I talk to you for a sec?
- I've got some time now if you wanted to snap some photos. - Oh, yeah.
I was thinking we'd wait till magic hour: sunset on the roof, thing of beauty. Guys?
I say we got our man.
The big question was why someone spying for China...
would operate out of a children's TV show?
Well, what if that show was being broadcast in China?
It's a conduit for information.
Whatever secrets are being passed...
could be broadcast through the show itself...
encrypted into the music or the video signal.
Exactly. There's a million ways to hide it.
And it's low profile. A kids' show would go right under the radar.
It's likeJimmy looking for hidden messages inside the Wizard of Id.
Only this time it's real.
Man, I knew it was Gillnitz.
Well, except it isn't.
What the hell are you talking about?
I found this in Cap'n Toby's coat.
Now, I don't know what it says, but it sure as hell isn't Yiddish.
Sorry, Langly, but I think your captain's sailing for the other side.
[Langly] No. No way.
I don't believe it. Look at him. There's no way he could sell out America.
F.B.I. We have a warrant to search the premises.
- [Man] Folks, just bear with us, please. - And what is this?
Hopefully this won't take long.
Everybody, we ask you to stay put, stay calm.
We apologize for the inconvenience.
What the hell's going on here? Excuse me. Excuse me!
- Can somebody please tell me what's going on here? - I'm sorry, guys. I gave it up.
We're here to serve a search warrant.
[Cap'n Toby] Oh, now, Mary, don't you worry. Everything's gonna be fine.
We're going to find your mommy. Everything's gonna be just fine.
Got it. Microfilm. It was hidden in his dressing room.
- [Man] Fred Tobalowski. - Yeah?
You're under arrest on the charge of espionage.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court oflaw.
You have the right to speak to an attorney and have an attorney present during questioning.
If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.
Do you understand these rights?
[Male Newscaster] Shocking news out of Maryland today...
as children's television host Cap'n Toby, Fred Tobalowski...
was arrested on federal charges of espionage.
The F.B.I. alleges that Tobalowski...
working with unidentified coconspirators...
used his television show to pass U.S. counterintelligence secrets...
to the government of China.
No motive has been suggested for his alleged actions...
although it is known that Tobalowski's wife of 18 years...
is a naturalized Chinese immigrant.
Calls to the couple's suburban Baltimore home have gone unanswered.
- And now for further news, let's go to field reporter... - [Turns TVOff]
[Sighs]
I stuck it to my own childhood hero.
I helped lead the feds right to him.
I'm like... the worst kind of rat.
I don't believe it.
Two dead F.B.I. agents. There's no way he could've had a hand in that.
Well, either way, the mainstream media kicked our butts on this one.
They definitely beat us to the story. That's for certain.
They beat you to a story, but perhaps not the whole story.
What do you have, Yves?
This document Frohike found.
The translation isn't complete yet...
but it's clearly not counterintelligence secrets.
- What is it then? - My best guess? A recipe for pot stickers...
with quite too much ginger for my taste.
The guy's wife is Chinese, right?
Could be hers.
I mean, his wife being Chinese doesn't make either of them bad guys.
No. But the microfilm they found in his dressing room does.
I've been thinking about that.
I searched that dressing room before the feds got there, and I never found it.
I mean, it's possible I missed it, but...
It's possible that that lady C.I.A. agent planted it.
Which means that she's the traitor...
and she'd do anything to hide it.
And we have to prove it. But how?
By answering the question no one else has managed to answer...
How exactly were secrets passed through the show?
I guess it makes sense.
Children's TV doesn't pay worth a damn, that's for sure.
And that wife of his. I'm telling you now I never trusted her.
They're my friends.
I'm not saying anything about either of them until I know the facts.
You never say anything anyway. You're like the Calvin Coolidge of second bananas.
Bite me, you hack.
Okay. You know what?
Take your Muppet and get outta here.
I just wish I knew how he did it.
Right here. This is it.
So you understand my conundrum? I write every word of these shows.
I oversee the costumes, the set deck, everything. And so I'm wondering...
How is it that secret information, in some form or other...
could be communicated through my show?
This is the answer.
This is the only thing on the show I have nothing to do with.
Toby comes up with it every week. Not me.
Smart.
Come here. Take a look at it. You have to get real close to see what I'm talking about.
You have to sorta go like this.
[Gasps]
[Power Switch Clacks]
[Noisy Commotion]
- Mr. Tobalowski, how long... - Mr. Tobalowski!
- Why did you do it? - Sir, what was jail like?
- My God. Toby. - Thanks for coming, Wayne.
Um, sorry about that. I led them here.
I had to get them away from my family.
- How are you holding up? - I guess I shouldn't complain. I was lucky to get bail.
Wayne...
I need your help with something.
Name it. Anything.
I need to put on a show... here, today.
- A show? You want to tape a show? - Yeah.
The last one.
I was hoping you could help me put a crew together, whoever would show up.
- What about a script? - Oh, don't need one.
What about a studio audience?
That's the easy part.
Where's John Gillnitz?
Ah, he probably jumped ship... or in this case, submarine.
Not be here for the highest rated episode of The Cap'n Toby Show ever?
Well, I'm gonna nose around.
When you saw Agent Blythe at the mall, where was she?
Uh, a copy shop... Koko's.
What was she doing?
I don't know. She was standing in line.
And then she saw me and she left.
(music) [Calliope]
[Man] Oh, there. Hey, Cap'n...
- Ahoy, little mateys. - [Reporters Shout Questions]
- Mr. Tobalowski, are you ready to deal? - Do you have any regrets?
[Man] What kind of role model steals government secrets?
[Woman] Mr. Tobalowski, was your wife the ringleader?
[Man #2] Sir, do you want to apologize to the American people?
- [Reporters Shout Questions] - Shhh.
- Was it worth it? - [Cap'n Toby] Shh-shh-shh.
That's better. Now one more time.
Ahoy, little mateys.
[Weak Response] Ahoy, Cap'n Toby.
All right then.
- Ma'am? Hi. - Hi.
- You should have an order for The Cap'n Toby Show. - Got it right here.
Put it on our account.
- All right. - Thanks.
It's for Cap'n Toby's magic porthole.
It's the artwork for it. They print one for every show apparently.
And you think this is the reason Agent Blythe was here?
- Why? - Try these.
You came here to clean up the evidence.
Come quietly.
Well, Clarence, what's the matter?
You seem kinda glum.
[Clarence] I don't know. Yeah, I guess.
I ran into this dolphin the other day...
and he says France is a lot better than here.
So what am I living here for if there's someplace that's better?
[Cap'n Toby] Because this is your home.
- And there is no place better. - There's something up in the rafters.
I can't quite make it out, but it's hanging from this rope. Help me out here.
- [Cap'n Toby] I believe our home is the most special of all. - You got it?
Because we live in the one place...
that was built from the ground up on a great idea...
that people ought to be free...
that they should live as they wish and marry who they wish.
A lot of people forget that sometimes, and it doesn't always work the way it's supposed to.
But the idea is great and always will be.
And we should work to keep it that way and never lose it.
- [Grunts] Whoa! - Ah.
[Excited Chattering]
Not the reaction I'd hoped for.
The two F.B.I. agents were onto you.
Your joint C.I.A. -F.B.I. investigation...
was about to discover that you were the spy.
So you framed Cap'n Toby...
which was easy 'cause his wife is Chinese.
[Sighs] Why?
- Why'd you do it? - Stop there.
I doubt it was ideology.
I'd say she did it for the money.
And I'd say it's a bad day for snotty British know-it-alls.
Oh! [Grunts]
Jimmy!
Kung pao, bitch.
Jimmy? Jimmy?
[Groans]
You gonna suck out the poison?
I think Frohike owes you one.
[Laughing]
[Langly Narrating] So like I said...
everybody has one single best memory of childhood.
That one perfect image...
that sums up everything wonderful about being a kid.
And it's nice to think that mine might be the same as somebody else's somewhere.
- [Giggling] - Somebody years younger even...
representing a whole new generation.
- (music) [Singing] - I mean, who knows?
- It's possible. - But all we can do is laugh.
Even with the competition nowadays...
500 channels ofbooty shakin'M. T. V.
Put the wind at your backs. And keep that song in your hearts.
'Cause even in this bold new century...
- Thank you, Yves. - kids need a good friend who's always looking out for them.
- Thank you. - Someone who'll help them grow up strong and true...
and who will never make fun of their hair.
I'm sorry, young lady. I forgot your name.
That last one's important.
[Child] I made this!